Day 8: Aminat

I’m tired.

I don’t know why or what exactly I’m tired of but I just am. 2016 hasn’t been terrible but then again it hasn’t been anything.

2016 is supposed to be the year I rewrite my story. I said in my post in January that all I wanted was to be truly happy again. Its halftime now and I’m seriously doubting that can happen. I can’t be the happy-go-lucky kid that ran around the streets in her panties, covered in dusting powder, with no care in the world.

I’m not sad. It’s not like I’ve been brooding since the beginning of the year. There are times I’m overtly happy because there’s a seeming light at the end of the tunnel. I’m just tired and indifferent. It’s like I can’t be bothered about anything. In six months, I’ve thrown away what might have been amazing opportunities.

Because I couldn’t be bothered.

I almost managed to finally convince myself to see a psychologist but I eventually didn’t.

Because I couldn’t be bothered.

Well, there’s also the fact that I managed to convince myself aren’t that serious to warrant me seeing a shrink.

And with my indifference comes, what my friend has tagged my “antisocial nature”. I really don’t know why it is “antisocial” that I can’t be bothered to go out and meet people or that I get tired of talking to most people easily now. I didn’t even bother with making friends throughout the whole NYSC orientation course.

Spiritually, I down spiralled. I’m worse off than I started the year. It’s killing me that I’ve become like this and I can’t say why. I still have trust issues and it’s worse off. I don’t even trust myself anymore.

Ghost-writing is still paying bills. I finished my biggest project since I decided to start writing sometime this year. Unfortunately, those hundred thousand words have someone else’s name etched on the cover page (I know that’s the whole idea behind ghost-writing). I guess mypoint is, I’m doing amazing with my other projects but I still haven’t gotten around to starting my own book.

I can’t afford to continue like this. I turn 23 in September. I haven’t even come close to achieving all the things I thought I would have by now. I’ve just been going around like an empty shell of sorts. I’m getting old and I shouldn’t continue like this but it’s like I can’t help it.

Or I can’t be bothered to.

I guess all there is halfway into the year is that I still am standing in the way of my happiness. The only evil stopping me now is still me.

I’ve got 6 months more to try to get my shit together. I really hope I do. I’m tired of being tired and empty.

Aminat

Original post culled from https://olatoxic.wordpress.com/2016/07/08/day-8-ameenat/