Finding that balance

This last month has been absolute hell.

From time to time the Grinch – sidebar, for the purposes of this post I am calling Sickle cell “the Grinch” because right now those are my feelings towards it – likes to remind me who’s boss.

In 2009 I achieved my record number of hospital visits within 1 week.  My record is five, yes 5 times. Though one of those visits involved a hilarious episode (though I didn’t think it at the time) where I had an allergic reaction to the seafood medley my long suffering twin sister cooked me.  I woke up at 4am with my face itching to high hell, and my lips felt like I had kissed the wrong end of a bubble bee.  I will never forget my irritation at the A&E receptionist when she unwittingly asked, in her cockney accent, “So why are you here today?”.  My reaction was shove my face closer to the glass divider, point my finger towards my face and say “Can’t you tell??”.  Till this day I’m convinced that that allergic reaction due to the combination of the drugs and the seafood.

Besides that episode, that week was hell, no matter what I did, I kept on having to go back…..screaming for the drugs and being thankful that the episode was over so I could continue with my life.  Apart from the physical exhaustion, that shit does a number on your psychi.  At the time I didn’t have the pressure of a full-time job.  I was writing my thesis, so my schedule was flexible and taking time-outs were okay.  So in between hospital sessions I would sit down and think about my existence.  Given the circumstances self pity usually creeps in.  Was this all I had to look forward to?  Why me?  What the fuck…… why is this happening again…..what did I do differently?

So now we come back to August 2013.  I’ve moved back to Nigeria, on my hustle, working full-time job at a bank (what was I thinking?!!!), single, and co-existing with the Grinch.  Work has been challenging (I may complain about it, but I love the challenge) with long working days (round about 12 hr days), and being single I do enjoy an active social life.  The Grinch don’t like that.  See, the Grinch is a very jealous lover, so when you don’t pay attention to him, he tends to kick back.  This time, the Grinch kicked back with a vengeance. 

For the last 4 weekends there has been an episode of varying proportions, the climax of which culminated in me maxing out on all my pain meds and learning that paracetamol……. yes paracetamol also comes in injection form.  One thing I will say, works a treat but its fucking painful when it goes in.  Even though its been more than a week since the last incident my arse feels like a pincushion – which does make sitting down on hard surfaces for long periods quite painful.  Obviously I’m not getting the balance right, but who does? 

In 2009, I had the time to contemplate and wallow in self pity. Today I realize that self pity gets you nowhere and there isn’t the fucking time. There will always be someone more worse off than you and it’s a dog eat dog out there. 

Here is my dilemma, and I’m sure many of you corporate buffs can relate, how do you find that balance?  No one is perfect and in the cut-throat corporate world your worth is only as good as your productivity. So if you are not upto scratch you get spit as fast as u can say “what the f….”. So the objective is to keep pushing to meet your deliverables. Problem is, if you push too hard the Grinch will have something to say about it. And if you over-compensate by letting other aspects of your life slip you wake up at 60, alone with a load of cats to keep you company……. And I hate cats. So what’s the answer? Damned if I know. All I know is I want to live my life to the fullest, and be financially independent. That’s a hard thing to do for a normal person let alone dealing with the Grinch and no disability discrimination laws to protect you…….. Remember this is Nigeria. 

So my question is this? How do you find that balance?  Can you have everything or does it always come down to a choice?  If you have the answers let me know………..