Recap 2016/2017

Happy NEW YEAR!!  Yes it has been a while!!  A sister has been busy healing, growing and evolving 😊.

2017 was all about getting over 2016.  Many a time I picked up my keyboard but I was blocked – you know when the weight of the world seems to great that all you feel you can do is just focus on breathing.  Those deep light filled breaths that flood you with light from your lungs down to your belly, down your legs to the tips of your toes….. Those healing breaths…….. ohhh child!! The stillness, the light! (obviously you can tell that I’ve taken on the power of Mindfulness and Meditation)

More on that later……..

I was going through my “almost” posts and well being a prudent person I feel that these posts should go to waste so here we go.

June 2017

So I’m currently stuck on an 11 hour flight to San Francisco from London and well I figure while have a lot of time being stuck in one place I might as well make myself focus and write an entry into my blog which has been neglected over the last year………

So 2016 was officially a bust – perpetually broke, constantly in pain, and in an relationship with a narcissist.  Needless to say, I was over stretched and I needed something to give.  The Narcissist broke up with me (click here) and I was trying to figure out how to reconcile that.  I mean the Grinch is not an easy third wheel in any relationship – so I was struggling with the easy option of labelling LB a bastard and every demeaning name under the sun, and the harder option of being trying to view the side of the other person – this is a topic that frankly needs its own post, so I won’t trivialise it in this but needless to say all balancing thoughts flew out the window with the next/last interaction I ever had with him.

Prologue:  Dude owed me money, I asked for it back – this was his response…….

[08:58, 2/6/2016] LB: Hi Toyin, Hope you’re well, I have transferred xxx Naira to you and also deducted xx (more than half that was owed) for damages to my car the last time I took you to the hospital (I remember telling you this at the hospital)  I will balance up before the week runs out……..

Let me put some context to this:  Dude took me to the hospital at my request – bearing in mind that I was having a crisis, deep in pain at the time – and wouldn’t listen to where I needed to be taken for treatment.  So at that point I asked LB to take me home, I would find my own way to the hospital.  LB slammed on the breaks, did a three point turn, and took me to the hospital I needed to be at.  It was during this time he apparently damaged his car.  At the time I did ask him about the damage to which he went “don’t worry about it”.  I never saw the damage.

Fast forward a year later – after he had sold this car – he comes up with this dubious excuse.  Oh and incase you were wondering that “balance”?……. It never came.  

Moral of the story: I know that Sicklers – at the end of relationships – put a lot of emotional baggage on themselves that they are the problem because of the Sickle.

“If I didn’t have this, then relationship would have worked out”

“No one would ever want me”

“I’m never going to find anyone because I have Sickle Cell”

Whilst for the most part that can be seen as true, what is also true is that well – you could just be dealing with an arsehole who doesn’t deserve you.  Simply put – they are not strong enough and YOU are better off!!

SIDEBAR 😁!!  If you still feeling low, I totally get it.  Just because I tell you to everything is going to be fine doesn’t mean you gonna feel it…. I have the perfect solution – find a full length mirror, grab a hair brush or frankly anything that can serve as a microphone and play this song – dance and sing along to this…… you will feel much better. 💃🏾

 

The startup life was still a hard slog and I had to take on a 2nd job as a remote freelance PM but I was at least making some money which was much needed.  Its amazing how much your feeling of worth is attached to how much you earn as a human being.  So things were looking up right? 

Unfortunately NO

The Grinch or what I thought was the Grinch was not letting go.  My lower back was in spasm – in pain all the time.   Worst was in the mornings, I literally couldn’t bend over the sink to brush my teeth let alone bend down.  Imagine your lower back is constantly in a vice.  Its all tight and to move in any direction literally hurts – and then you sneeze.  MUTHERFUCKER!!!!!

Lets just say that I was no longer motivated to get out of bed, exercise was a no-no, and I was popping pain meds like they were candy and I was getting no pain relief.  At this point I was living in fear – fear of having a crisis for two reasons;

  1. I was already in a lot of pain, a crisis on top of that would fucking send me over the edge
  2. Due to the nature of my freelancing work – and the only source of viable income at the time – if I was out due to being ill I would loose out on my customer satisfaction scores and the possibility for new work.

I was fed up and my parents were fed up – so we decided we were going to do something about it……..

Nigeria.

Nigeria is estimated to have the largest number of Sicklers in the world and yet in my estimation it still suffers from acute ignorance of Sickle cell anaemia.  What is equally as shaming is the systemic ignorance of it types, and its management in addition to its sledge hammer approach to its prevention by our ignorantly stupid law makers.

I’m going to going to take a side bar here because this is an important point.  My country has absolutely no clue about Sickle Cell Anaemia.  From time to time I scan the internet for content on Sickle Cell to gauge people’s perceptions.  Each time I do it, its a depressing exercise – from well meaning Doctors who put in their “well informed” opinions.  Here is the problem about opinions – opinions are like arseholes – everyone has one.  When it comes to sickle I don’t care for Dr’s opinions on Sickle, unless they are Haematologists who interact with Sicklers and are up-to-date with recent Pain Management techniques.  

Our law makers I also feel are out of touch.  In the last couple of weeks the senate is trying to pass a bill that will make carriers of the Sickle Cell gene – people with AS – unable to marry in my “great” country.  Everyone is willing to use a sledge hammer to “solve” the problem without understanding the nuances of the issue……….. 

 

To get better I had to leave Nigeria………

Queue in Hydroxyurea also known as Hydroxycarbamide. 

 

TBC

Toodles for now.