The Darkness Pt. 1

I’ve been quiet this year on my blog…….. for that I sincerely apologise.  2016 has not been an easy year, but then again who can say that life was easy? Its about finding that balance.  To be honest I don’t think I’m totally there yet but I’m making strides towards it.  It could take me the rest of my life but at least now I’m doing something about it.  Confused……. bare with me……….

So 2015 was a HEAVY year.  At the start of the year the future seemed bright…… I was working at a promising start-up, and was in a relationship.  I had left my previous full-time job because well the Grinch, myself and the job were not getting along and it was making me miserable.  At the start of my job I had a really healthy social life – never one to miss a party, and frankly I was able to ignore the Darkness, but as our threesome was getting more tenuous something had to give…….

At this point let me introduce the Darkness.  Imagine you being – your subconscious – your light is encapsulated in a transparent cube.  The Darkness lurks in the corners of that cube.  We all have the Darkness in us.  It spreads out from the corners when we are hit with grief, heartbreak, loss, insecurities – the feeling that no matter how hard you try you just not that good enough.  The Darkness is a creeper – if you don’t keep your eye on it it can engulf you, drag you down and totally block out your light.  Everyone at some point has had to struggle with the darkness.  We all have coping mechanisms – a way to deal, some have religion, some positive affirmation, some meditation, there are so many ways of coping – there is no right or wrong way but we all have ways of keeping the Darkness in the corners. 

As I was saying 2015 was a heavy year.  The start-up game is hard.  Don’t get me wrong – I loved the freedom it gave me but as everybody knows the startup game is difficult, it’s a hard slog that you need to invest in.  For those that know me I’ve never been afraid of hard work – but the Grinch was not giving up…… in fact his presence over the year was getting worse.  I started to withdraw.  Initially it was because I physically could manage it anymore.  It was exhausting keeping up with social Foxy.  It would take over 24hrs to get over a night out, Yoga classes were resulting in full blown crisis attacks – like the Morphine, scream like a Banshee attack.

The Darkness crept in…….

I started putting on weight because I was barely exercising.  My clothes didn’t fit right.  I started to feel fat.  I put it to the side because it couldn’t be helped.  The less I triggered the Grinch the easier my life would be.  And then the chronic back pain started.  It was as though the Grinch had taken permanent residency in my lower back/upper hips.  It stated as a dull ache that crescendoed during the course of the day – which made me even more immobile.

The Darkness crept in some more…….

The relationship I was in was turning toxic – though I didn’t realise it at the time. The guy – a narcissist and emotional leech – who needed constant reassurance and praise but couldn’t reciprocate.  As time went by and the Grinch took hold I became a burden, an annoyance that he had taken on board without totally thinking through or trying to understand what he had signed up for.  We would have fights about how my way of dealing with the Grinch for all intents and purposes was wrong.  There were several of these ‘incidences’ one being the time when he shut me out because he couldn’t understand my need to shut down and not tell people when I was ill. We would argue, reconcile and I thought we had a better understanding of each other.  This was the cycle.

The Darkness crept in…….

The start-up environment got tougher.  Many false starts, promised contracts that didn’t come into fruition.  The savings had dried up with no income in sight.  Money is a strange thing.  You don’t really appreciate its importance until you don’t have it anymore.  Money in itself became more expensive.  I felt like I was a failure – I had made all the wrong choices to get me in the pickle.  My hustles were at that stage where they were bleeding me dry – only I had nothing left to give.

The Darkness crept in some more……..

Dec 2015:  I finally had to notice how much the Darkness had taken over my light

Stay tuned for pt. 2