The Darkness Pt. 2

The Darkness crept in some more……..

The chronic back pain.  It was like the Grinch had taken full-time residency in my lower back.  Getting up in the mornings was absolute hell.  I couldn’t even bend down over the sink to brush my teeth!!!

Dec 2015:  I finally had to notice how much the Darkness had taken over my light

“…Because of the Sickle Cell I don’t see a future between us”

My heart went cold.  It was like I had been stabbed with a hot white poker.  It was a surreal experience.  In my head I was free-falling, with several and I mean several conversations going on in my head all at once;

“This is why you don’t do relationships – you can’t do them”

“This is your fault”

“After all the huffing and puffing this dude made about being different he’s just like the rest of them”

“What a waste of two years”

“Nawh this can’t be right – he said that the Sickle didn’t make a difference to him”

“See – I told you you can’t keep up with the Grinch, work, exercise and having a boyfriend, you are just useless”

Then came the fog……. 

“This can’t be real – how can it be real?”

And then I went into “I really need to understand this, lets work through this…….”  mode and asked a lot of questions.  Many of which I really don’t care to remember because the general gist was

“If you didn’t have Sickle Cell then it would be perfect we would have a future”

At this point, from the conversations above you can tell that in the space of 30 mins I had gone through 4 of the 7 stages: Shock, Denial, Bargaining, & Guilt.   Anger stepped in and festered – the initial result of which lead to me throwing the EX – who from this point forward will be referred to as LB (Little Boy) – out of my house.  The first 4 stages came and went like a revolving door on steroids but the last 3 (Anger, Depression & Acceptance) were more complicated and took longer to process.

The Darkness…… took hold

Its funny how we as human beings can be sympathetic with others but can incredibly hard on ourselves.  I was living in a cycle of frequent crisis attacks and constant back-pain (Chronic), broke – like no money for petrol type broke, and dumped.  Thats a lot of anybody, but trust me the Grinch in itself adds another level of mind-fuckery for most people would be really difficult to understand.

Many of us take our mental welfare for granted, thinking that if we brush it under the carpet it will go away or that being depressed is a sign of weakness.  For those that know me personally know that I absolutely loves me some Stormzy.  I think he sums up most of my thoughts and my experience with depression.

I think I’m going to stop here for now, but trust me there will be more blog posts coming with me finding my path and regaining my strength.  It’s been a journey, and its not over yet!!!